Dark Night of the Soul

I am so grateful for life! I am so grateful for life’s beings, life’s lessons, life’s messages.

The more I grow into myself, the more things just seem to make sense. I hate that I try to rush things, because it’s in the LIVING that the most beautiful things seem to transpire.

Oddly enough, it was in those moments of darkness that I was able to find the light in me. In my insecurities, in my struggles, in my fights, in my fears and twenty thousand tears.  

I remember vividly the first day I was forced to move back to Charlotte from Atlanta. I turned YouTube on and listened to a message that spoke so true to me that I couldn’t help but to let out this cry I’ve never imagined in life before. I’ve never heard, saw or felt a feeling quite like the one I felt that day.  In a home filled with my cousins and aunt you can imagine how unknown and out of the ordinary this cry was.

The message was titled; ‘ Boss Up ‘ and I never felt more scolded in my life. I didn’t know this back then, but it’s evident to me now that I was in the Dark Night of my Soul.  

Although I was experiencing what felt like failure, what felt like death, what felt like never being good enough; in that moment I knew I was in a place that was just the opposite of those things. 

You see this was the first time I actually was forced to SIT DOWN and LISTEN! And the message I was hearing was soooo life changing. It challenged me to face those feelings, accept what was physically happening and LET THEM GO!

I felt the reawakening happening right then and there. I felt the DRASTIC shift in my attitude about life, about beings, about myself. No one else could help me, it had to be done by sitting and listening to the Dark Nights of my Soul. I didn’t need anyone or anything but that space, right then and there to make everything all better.

Almost 2 minutes after letting out this deep cry I wiped my tears and smiled, because all the events that led up to where I was in that moment were worth it.

Of course my cousin was looking at me like I had just lost my entire mind; and the truth is I did that day, and I’m ever so grateful for that loss. 

As I sat up last night and truly got to express my gratitude for this life I was given; I was flooded with emotions similar to that night. The relationships I’ve been able to mend, the places I’ve been able to go, the people I’ve been able to meet and the wisdom I’ve been able to soak in would never have reached me if I didn’t find what I’ve been missing that day. 

It was right there from the start and I’m so thankful that I’ve prayed for these things and was able to be given them almost as fluidly as the action of praying itself.  

As I prepare for my transition to ‘ Boss Up ‘ I get emotional about it all over again, because I’m so awakened in my life and to be able to witness all that is happening to me, no matter if I quite understand it at the time or not is truly a gift.

I’m proud to be truly living for myself; to truly be in tune with myself and know the value and capacity I have inside the Dark Nights of my Soul.